Wednesday, December 26, 2012

And no one is surprised.

I spent all my Christmas money on books at the bookshop.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I will take it!

Oberon will take the ring to Mordor

"Twas the Night Before Christmas"--A Poetry Explication

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

     Stirring what exactly? Be more specific.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

     Geeze, what are you guys? Friggen bears?

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

     And that's why you only eat sashes in months that contain the letter Y.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

      "Does my home insurance cover reindeer damage?" That's what I'd be wondering right about now.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

     Boy, his dry cleaning bill must be enormous.

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

     Does this make Santa the Peddler on the Roof?

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

     Sounds to me like Santa's been indulging in a little too much "christmas cheer", if you know what I mean.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

     So Santa is not only an alcoholic, but is also a smoker and overweight. How has this guy not had a stroke?

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

      Are you sure about that? Because all that winking and beard pulling is starting to make me wonder if Santa is on the sex offenders registry.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

     Oh, there's the stroke.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
     Why would Santa want to levitate the chimney?

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

     I wonder what the air-speed velocity of the average thistle down is. Are we talking African or European thistle?

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

If this was a real poetry explication, I'd have to talk about meter and word choice and rhyme scheme and all that other shit. Instead I'm just being a smart ass. Because what else is an English major to do on Christmas?

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Contains awesome.

I think I'll let this kitty speak for me.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Christmas! We must have Christmas, forthwith!

Timmy and I made a Christmas tree out of books and decorated it with Christmas cards from Dad. The book on the very top is Wintersmith by Terry Pratchett. I might get some glittery gold paper and cut out a star to put on top of that. For the moment, Timmy is pleased. Tomorrow we'll go get some hooks and hang up the garland.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Now Christmas can start

I can't believe I'm done with finals.

And my prof still got my vampire paper back to me tonight. I have the nicest professor ever.

Monday, December 10, 2012

You know you're tired when...

You're trying to come up with a title for your vampire paper and the first thing that pops into your head is "NANANANANANANANA NANANANANANANANA BATMAAAAAAAN!"

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Thanks a lot, cat

Trying to finish last minute assignments and study for finals. This has been my weekend so far:

Obie is just happy that I brought him home from the vet's office, and he's feeling well enough to eat again. He had a bad case of gingivitis, which included an infection in his mouth and a severe buildup of calcified tatar on his back teeth. Miraculously, once they got all the tartar off and cleaned out the infection, they found that he had no abscesses and zero missing teeth! My cat has the greatest immune system ever!

As far as academics are concerned, I turned in my History thesis, so that's a huge load off my shoulders. Now I just need to pull off these last two English assignments by Tuesday. Do you think you could move off my lap, Oberon? I need to go to the bathroom and I'm starting to lose circulation in my legs...

Monday, December 3, 2012


No, scratch that.


Still, yet another reason to move to Canada:

College offering puppy room for stressed out students

University students are well versed in coming up with ways to cope with the stress of college life. But some students at a college in Canada have started a new trend that is family-friendly, opening a puppy room for students during finals week.
The National Post reports that for three days during finals week (Dec. 4-6), students at Dalhousie University can spend some time with therapeutic dogs, which are being brought in byTherapeutic Paws of Canada.
"It fills a niche that people need right now because students are superstressed," Michael Kean, an environmental science student who first proposed the idea, told the Post.
After the student union first advertised the event on its Facebook page, the Puppy Room has gone viral across social networking sites.
"Our expectations are pretty high right now," Gavin Jardine, vice president of student life at Dalhousie told the Post. "We had 1,800 shares, thousands of 'likes.' It's gone viral on Twitter as well."
Don LeBlanc of Therapeutic Paws of Canada said all the dogs attending the event come from loving homes and enjoy the company of people. A number of different breeds will be on hand to interact with students who sign up to visit the Puppy Room.
And buzz from the Dalhousie Puppy Room has spread so quickly that LeBlanc says a half-dozen universities have already called about staging similar events for their students.
So, is there any actual evidence to support using guest dogs to alleviate the stress of busy college students?
"If you do any research at all about the benefits of using pets, you'll find out quite quickly that it lowers blood pressure," LeBlanc said. "It certainly made a huge difference in my life when I got a dog."

Sunday, December 2, 2012

If all else fails

Repeat to yourself: There are plenty of people a lot dumber than me who have passed this course.