Thursday, October 18, 2012

Varney the Vampire

Dracula: ...Varney?

Carmilla: Really? That's your name? Varney?

Ruthven: [broods]

Lestat: You can't be serious...

Dracula: Would you mind telling me, my dear boy, how you expect to strike terror into the hearts of mortals with a name like Varney?

Ruthven: [broodingly] One's image is everything, my good man.

Carmilla: Run for your lives, everyone! Varney is coming!

Lestat: Even the sparkly asshole over there has a better name than Varney.

Edward: [moping] I am NOT sparkly! I'm cursed!

Carmilla: Shut up, Edward.

Lestat: Granted, not by much.

Edward: [broods]

Ruthven: [broods harder] Do not test me, little man. You will not win.

Edward: [urinates]

Seriously, though, Ruthven is a champion brooder.

According to the chronology in my text (Stoker, Bram. Dracula. Ed. Glennis Byron, Peterborough, Ont.: Broadview, 1998), Stoker first came across the historical Dracula we know as Vlad the Impaler in An Account of the Principalities of Wallachia and Moldavia by William Wilkinson. One can only wonder if Stoker thought to himself as he was reading, Hmm...Dracula...good name.

To be fair, the character's full name is Sir Francis Varney, but the title of the book by James Malcolm Rymer is Varney the Vampire. I guess he was trying to go for some nifty alliteration with the title, but, when compared to the names of other vampires of English literature it just seems...well...out of place.  Ruthven, Carmilla, Dracula...Varney. Srsly? Varney? You really wanna go with Varney? Okay, Jimmy. Don't listen to me, I'm just your editor...

Also, Ruthven is the only vampire on this list who was in print before Varney, so I really am being totally unfair about all of this. My point remains: Varney is kind of a goofy name :P

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