Monday, October 29, 2012

Page 4...

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhg, somebody make this thesis go faster!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Inside the filthy mind of an English major

The phrase "flapping at the window" shows up a lot in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Unfortunately, my filthy, filthy mind likes to erase the letter L...

"I was waked by the flapping at the widow", then, results in a fit of giggles that lasts for several minutes.

Also, I just realized that "fap" and "fapping" are onomatopoeia. Feel free to throw that one out there the next time your English teacher asks for examples, high school students!

Other moments in the text that my brain likes to construe as somehow dirty include:

"You go wake those maids. Flick them in the face with a wet towel, and flick them hard."

"I shall be patient, Master. It is coming--coming--coming!"

I should really keep a running list.

Of course it doesn't help that, during my King Arthur and Robin Hood class, we dwelled on the fact that the Middle English pronunciation of "shoot", as in "to shoot a penny", sounds a lot like "shit". The line "I wil not shete a peny" inspired much mirth this day. Sometimes I swear Middle English literature is nothing but one huge, prolonged fart joke.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Dear Mr. Stoker

Thank you for not giving Renfield a cat. Those of you who have read Dracula will know exactly what I'm talking about.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Filler while I work on my history thesis

Yeah, get used to the vampire theme, because my English seminar is nothing but vampire stories from now 'til the end of the semester.

Someone made a reference to The Count from Sesame Street. I friggen love this class.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Varney the Vampire

Dracula: ...Varney?

Carmilla: Really? That's your name? Varney?

Ruthven: [broods]

Lestat: You can't be serious...

Dracula: Would you mind telling me, my dear boy, how you expect to strike terror into the hearts of mortals with a name like Varney?

Ruthven: [broodingly] One's image is everything, my good man.

Carmilla: Run for your lives, everyone! Varney is coming!

Lestat: Even the sparkly asshole over there has a better name than Varney.

Edward: [moping] I am NOT sparkly! I'm cursed!

Carmilla: Shut up, Edward.

Lestat: Granted, not by much.

Edward: [broods]

Ruthven: [broods harder] Do not test me, little man. You will not win.

Edward: [urinates]

Seriously, though, Ruthven is a champion brooder.

According to the chronology in my text (Stoker, Bram. Dracula. Ed. Glennis Byron, Peterborough, Ont.: Broadview, 1998), Stoker first came across the historical Dracula we know as Vlad the Impaler in An Account of the Principalities of Wallachia and Moldavia by William Wilkinson. One can only wonder if Stoker thought to himself as he was reading, Hmm...Dracula...good name.

To be fair, the character's full name is Sir Francis Varney, but the title of the book by James Malcolm Rymer is Varney the Vampire. I guess he was trying to go for some nifty alliteration with the title, but, when compared to the names of other vampires of English literature it just seems...well...out of place.  Ruthven, Carmilla, Dracula...Varney. Srsly? Varney? You really wanna go with Varney? Okay, Jimmy. Don't listen to me, I'm just your editor...

Also, Ruthven is the only vampire on this list who was in print before Varney, so I really am being totally unfair about all of this. My point remains: Varney is kind of a goofy name :P

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

If you're planning on reading Bram Stoker's Dracula... yourself a favor and don't watch ANY of the dozens of film adaptations that have been made in the last hundred years. If you even THINK you might want to read Dracula or that you might have to read it for a class one day in the future, just do yourself a favor and stay the hell away from everything Dracula related. It will get stuck in your brain and never leave!

I'm sitting here trying to do my reading and my brain is all like, "Hey, remember Mel Brook's Dracula: Dead and Loving It?"

"Shut up, Brain; I need to take this shit seriously."

"Peter MacNicol sure was funny, wasn't he?"

"Shut up, Brain."

"In fact, this scene in the book is an awful lot like that scene in the movie."

"Shut. Up. Brain."

And that's just it. There are bits in here that have been pulled directly from the book and parodied by Mel Brooks and, for all I know, several other filmmakers. Let's be honest, it doesn't take a whole lot of exaggeration to make this scene a parody:

"When it grew dark there seemed to be some excitement amongst the passengers, and they kept speaking to him, one after the other, as though urging him to further speed. He lashed the horses unmercifully with his long whip, and with wild cries of encouragement urged them on to further exertions. Then through the darkness I could see a sort of patch of grey light ahead of us, as though there were a cleft in the hills. The excitement of the passengers grew greater; the crazy coach rocked on its great leather springs, and swayed like a boat tossed on a stormy sea. I had to hold on."--Dracula, Chapter I.

Now compare that to the opening scene from Mel Brook's film: (at 2:25)

Aaaaaaaaaaaand for those of you who have been paying attention, I just ruined Dracula for you. You're welcome.

Also, wtf, Spellcheck? You don't recognize "Dracula"? That's it, you're fired.

Hee hee! "Scheduled."

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

On a more serious note...

So you want to cut federal spending for early childhood education programs, but cutting federal subsidies for oil is somehow trivial? How does that make sense? Your values, America, I do not think they are in order.

Also, even an English major knows that 4 billion is bigger than 8 million :P

Monday, October 1, 2012

Bibliographyin' all up in this bitch...

Working on my annotated bibliography for my history seminar. I've been staring at my laptop for nearly three hours straight and it feels like my eyeballs are about to fall out.

Doing research in uncharted territory is about as exciting as it is frustrating. On the one hand, you don't have to worry about trying to filter through a barrage of information looking for the ONE topic relevant to your thesis. On the other hand, you'd give just about anything for ANY kind of information you could conceivably use in your paper.

I guess I'd better get back to it before school lets out and all the moms and middle schoolers flood the coffee shop. Why am I at the coffee shop, you ask? It beats trying to get this shit done at home where the guys are spraying drywall on the kitchen ceiling.