Wednesday, December 26, 2012

And no one is surprised.

I spent all my Christmas money on books at the bookshop.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I will take it!

Oberon will take the ring to Mordor

"Twas the Night Before Christmas"--A Poetry Explication

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

     Stirring what exactly? Be more specific.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

     Geeze, what are you guys? Friggen bears?

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

     And that's why you only eat sashes in months that contain the letter Y.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

      "Does my home insurance cover reindeer damage?" That's what I'd be wondering right about now.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

     Boy, his dry cleaning bill must be enormous.

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

     Does this make Santa the Peddler on the Roof?

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

     Sounds to me like Santa's been indulging in a little too much "christmas cheer", if you know what I mean.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

     So Santa is not only an alcoholic, but is also a smoker and overweight. How has this guy not had a stroke?

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

      Are you sure about that? Because all that winking and beard pulling is starting to make me wonder if Santa is on the sex offenders registry.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

     Oh, there's the stroke.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
     Why would Santa want to levitate the chimney?

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

     I wonder what the air-speed velocity of the average thistle down is. Are we talking African or European thistle?

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

If this was a real poetry explication, I'd have to talk about meter and word choice and rhyme scheme and all that other shit. Instead I'm just being a smart ass. Because what else is an English major to do on Christmas?

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Contains awesome.

I think I'll let this kitty speak for me.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Christmas! We must have Christmas, forthwith!

Timmy and I made a Christmas tree out of books and decorated it with Christmas cards from Dad. The book on the very top is Wintersmith by Terry Pratchett. I might get some glittery gold paper and cut out a star to put on top of that. For the moment, Timmy is pleased. Tomorrow we'll go get some hooks and hang up the garland.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Now Christmas can start

I can't believe I'm done with finals.

And my prof still got my vampire paper back to me tonight. I have the nicest professor ever.

Monday, December 10, 2012

You know you're tired when...

You're trying to come up with a title for your vampire paper and the first thing that pops into your head is "NANANANANANANANA NANANANANANANANA BATMAAAAAAAN!"

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Thanks a lot, cat

Trying to finish last minute assignments and study for finals. This has been my weekend so far:

Obie is just happy that I brought him home from the vet's office, and he's feeling well enough to eat again. He had a bad case of gingivitis, which included an infection in his mouth and a severe buildup of calcified tatar on his back teeth. Miraculously, once they got all the tartar off and cleaned out the infection, they found that he had no abscesses and zero missing teeth! My cat has the greatest immune system ever!

As far as academics are concerned, I turned in my History thesis, so that's a huge load off my shoulders. Now I just need to pull off these last two English assignments by Tuesday. Do you think you could move off my lap, Oberon? I need to go to the bathroom and I'm starting to lose circulation in my legs...

Monday, December 3, 2012


No, scratch that.


Still, yet another reason to move to Canada:

College offering puppy room for stressed out students

University students are well versed in coming up with ways to cope with the stress of college life. But some students at a college in Canada have started a new trend that is family-friendly, opening a puppy room for students during finals week.
The National Post reports that for three days during finals week (Dec. 4-6), students at Dalhousie University can spend some time with therapeutic dogs, which are being brought in byTherapeutic Paws of Canada.
"It fills a niche that people need right now because students are superstressed," Michael Kean, an environmental science student who first proposed the idea, told the Post.
After the student union first advertised the event on its Facebook page, the Puppy Room has gone viral across social networking sites.
"Our expectations are pretty high right now," Gavin Jardine, vice president of student life at Dalhousie told the Post. "We had 1,800 shares, thousands of 'likes.' It's gone viral on Twitter as well."
Don LeBlanc of Therapeutic Paws of Canada said all the dogs attending the event come from loving homes and enjoy the company of people. A number of different breeds will be on hand to interact with students who sign up to visit the Puppy Room.
And buzz from the Dalhousie Puppy Room has spread so quickly that LeBlanc says a half-dozen universities have already called about staging similar events for their students.
So, is there any actual evidence to support using guest dogs to alleviate the stress of busy college students?
"If you do any research at all about the benefits of using pets, you'll find out quite quickly that it lowers blood pressure," LeBlanc said. "It certainly made a huge difference in my life when I got a dog."

Sunday, December 2, 2012

If all else fails

Repeat to yourself: There are plenty of people a lot dumber than me who have passed this course.

Friday, November 23, 2012

It's genetic, you know

This year for Christmas my dad gave me a copy of Dickens' A Christmas Carol published in 1903. I shall have something for show and tell when I go back to class!

Also, remember when I giggled about Robin Hood being a Peddler of Pottys? I told Dad about this and he went a little crazy with the alliteration. By the time he and I were done, the final product was:

A pretty petty peddler of pottys preambulating perpetuum on the path to perdition


There's a reason I'm an English major.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Oh, the sordid festivity of it all

Driving up to Dad's for Thanksgiving. Will try and get some pictures from the Dickens Fair up while I'm gone. Back on Monday.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

This week in unintentionally inappropriate Robin Hood

From Robin Hood and Little John: "Lo! see my staff; it is lusty and tough"

Overcompensating a bit, aren't we, Little John? I guess you kind of have to when your surname is Little.

In other news, I discovered that you can sing Robin Hood and Allin a Dale to "The Criminal Cried as He Dropped Him Down" from The Mikado. It matches up perfectly, no joke. Try it for yourself.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The answer: very

A scholarly essay on female roles and fears of reverse-colonization in Le Fanu's Carmilla.

Men's pajamas

A sleeping cat.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Baby Dracula

Happy Birthday, Bram Stoker!

It's Bram Stoker's birthday, you guys!

I feel like I should have made cupcakes. If only I didn't have to finish a paper between classes and had access to the kitchen. Damn.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Timmy resents your inane questions

While we're in the realm of vampires, did you know someone wrote a Pride and Prejudice fanfic where Mr. Darcy is a vampire? For realz. In fact, there are several. One of them has him as a werewolf. I guess that's one way to explain why the asshole's so friggen aloof.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Hurry, Watson, to the Library!

This means I only have four more weeks to finish my history thesis. FML...

Monday, October 29, 2012

Page 4...

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhg, somebody make this thesis go faster!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Inside the filthy mind of an English major

The phrase "flapping at the window" shows up a lot in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Unfortunately, my filthy, filthy mind likes to erase the letter L...

"I was waked by the flapping at the widow", then, results in a fit of giggles that lasts for several minutes.

Also, I just realized that "fap" and "fapping" are onomatopoeia. Feel free to throw that one out there the next time your English teacher asks for examples, high school students!

Other moments in the text that my brain likes to construe as somehow dirty include:

"You go wake those maids. Flick them in the face with a wet towel, and flick them hard."

"I shall be patient, Master. It is coming--coming--coming!"

I should really keep a running list.

Of course it doesn't help that, during my King Arthur and Robin Hood class, we dwelled on the fact that the Middle English pronunciation of "shoot", as in "to shoot a penny", sounds a lot like "shit". The line "I wil not shete a peny" inspired much mirth this day. Sometimes I swear Middle English literature is nothing but one huge, prolonged fart joke.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Dear Mr. Stoker

Thank you for not giving Renfield a cat. Those of you who have read Dracula will know exactly what I'm talking about.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Filler while I work on my history thesis

Yeah, get used to the vampire theme, because my English seminar is nothing but vampire stories from now 'til the end of the semester.

Someone made a reference to The Count from Sesame Street. I friggen love this class.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Varney the Vampire

Dracula: ...Varney?

Carmilla: Really? That's your name? Varney?

Ruthven: [broods]

Lestat: You can't be serious...

Dracula: Would you mind telling me, my dear boy, how you expect to strike terror into the hearts of mortals with a name like Varney?

Ruthven: [broodingly] One's image is everything, my good man.

Carmilla: Run for your lives, everyone! Varney is coming!

Lestat: Even the sparkly asshole over there has a better name than Varney.

Edward: [moping] I am NOT sparkly! I'm cursed!

Carmilla: Shut up, Edward.

Lestat: Granted, not by much.

Edward: [broods]

Ruthven: [broods harder] Do not test me, little man. You will not win.

Edward: [urinates]

Seriously, though, Ruthven is a champion brooder.

According to the chronology in my text (Stoker, Bram. Dracula. Ed. Glennis Byron, Peterborough, Ont.: Broadview, 1998), Stoker first came across the historical Dracula we know as Vlad the Impaler in An Account of the Principalities of Wallachia and Moldavia by William Wilkinson. One can only wonder if Stoker thought to himself as he was reading, Hmm...Dracula...good name.

To be fair, the character's full name is Sir Francis Varney, but the title of the book by James Malcolm Rymer is Varney the Vampire. I guess he was trying to go for some nifty alliteration with the title, but, when compared to the names of other vampires of English literature it just seems...well...out of place.  Ruthven, Carmilla, Dracula...Varney. Srsly? Varney? You really wanna go with Varney? Okay, Jimmy. Don't listen to me, I'm just your editor...

Also, Ruthven is the only vampire on this list who was in print before Varney, so I really am being totally unfair about all of this. My point remains: Varney is kind of a goofy name :P

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

If you're planning on reading Bram Stoker's Dracula... yourself a favor and don't watch ANY of the dozens of film adaptations that have been made in the last hundred years. If you even THINK you might want to read Dracula or that you might have to read it for a class one day in the future, just do yourself a favor and stay the hell away from everything Dracula related. It will get stuck in your brain and never leave!

I'm sitting here trying to do my reading and my brain is all like, "Hey, remember Mel Brook's Dracula: Dead and Loving It?"

"Shut up, Brain; I need to take this shit seriously."

"Peter MacNicol sure was funny, wasn't he?"

"Shut up, Brain."

"In fact, this scene in the book is an awful lot like that scene in the movie."

"Shut. Up. Brain."

And that's just it. There are bits in here that have been pulled directly from the book and parodied by Mel Brooks and, for all I know, several other filmmakers. Let's be honest, it doesn't take a whole lot of exaggeration to make this scene a parody:

"When it grew dark there seemed to be some excitement amongst the passengers, and they kept speaking to him, one after the other, as though urging him to further speed. He lashed the horses unmercifully with his long whip, and with wild cries of encouragement urged them on to further exertions. Then through the darkness I could see a sort of patch of grey light ahead of us, as though there were a cleft in the hills. The excitement of the passengers grew greater; the crazy coach rocked on its great leather springs, and swayed like a boat tossed on a stormy sea. I had to hold on."--Dracula, Chapter I.

Now compare that to the opening scene from Mel Brook's film: (at 2:25)

Aaaaaaaaaaaand for those of you who have been paying attention, I just ruined Dracula for you. You're welcome.

Also, wtf, Spellcheck? You don't recognize "Dracula"? That's it, you're fired.

Hee hee! "Scheduled."

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

On a more serious note...

So you want to cut federal spending for early childhood education programs, but cutting federal subsidies for oil is somehow trivial? How does that make sense? Your values, America, I do not think they are in order.

Also, even an English major knows that 4 billion is bigger than 8 million :P

Monday, October 1, 2012

Bibliographyin' all up in this bitch...

Working on my annotated bibliography for my history seminar. I've been staring at my laptop for nearly three hours straight and it feels like my eyeballs are about to fall out.

Doing research in uncharted territory is about as exciting as it is frustrating. On the one hand, you don't have to worry about trying to filter through a barrage of information looking for the ONE topic relevant to your thesis. On the other hand, you'd give just about anything for ANY kind of information you could conceivably use in your paper.

I guess I'd better get back to it before school lets out and all the moms and middle schoolers flood the coffee shop. Why am I at the coffee shop, you ask? It beats trying to get this shit done at home where the guys are spraying drywall on the kitchen ceiling.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Thesis approved

Omfg, my history professor just emailed me and said my senior thesis was near-perfect.

I'm gonna go faint now.

Also, hi. How are you, Blog? Sorry about the long absence. I have been away because of reasons. Really ugly and depressing family reasons for the most part. I'm back now and will hopefully get some more entertaining stories written down for you.

...right after I finish watching Season 2 of Sherlock.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

This just in

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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I guess this means my poetry paper got a passing grade

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?  I think not.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A moose once bit my sister...

I've just discovered that the Theon Greyjoy chapters in A Clash of Kings are way more fun if you read them with a Swedish or Norwegian accent, the culture of the Iron Islands from which Theon hails being so obviously based on Viking civilization.

"Dagmer Cleftjaw stood by der high carved prow of his longship, Foamdrinker.  Theon had assigned him der task of guarding der ships; uddervise men vould have called it Dagmer's victory, not his.  A more prickly man might have taken dat fer a slight, but der Cleftjaw had only laughed."

...I learned it by watching Monty Python, ok???  Go on, say the word "Foamdrinker" with a Swedish accent and see if you don't crack up.  I DARE you.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I'm sorry, Pixar...

But as an History/English major, I'm required to repost this.  Because I kind of thought the same thing when I saw this scene in the previews

dating fails - To Be Fair, It Is Just a Kids Movie
see more Dating Fails

Other than that, really excited!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

You know finals are just around the corner when you go to class dressed like a bum and can't bring yourself to care.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Poetry, why you so subjective?

And why can't I decide if "desire" is a spondee, trochee, or iamb?  AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHH!

Mom says iamb.  I'm just gonna go with that.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

It makes sense if you think about it

Studying postmodern, surrealist dramas in English 327 + watching Twin Peaks on Netflix = some WEIRD fucking dreams o.O

Saturday, April 7, 2012

C is for Cookie

I babysit a little girl two to three times a week.  She's fifteen months old and gets a kick out of nearly everything, which is great because I get a kick out of watching her.  Occasionally I'll have my laptop with me and we'll take a break from playing to watch some Sesame Street.  We were looking through some Elmo clips the other day and came across this one with Cookie Monster.  I swear the whole time we were watching she just kept looking at me wondering what was so funny.  I love you, Muppets.

She also has some Sesame Street books and I try to match the voices as closely as possible when we sit down to read.  My Cookie Monster, however, sounds more like Tonto.  Speaking of Cookie Monster, ever notice how he sounds like Tom Waits?

Needless to say, I did not play that one for her.  But I did listen to it again when I came home >.>

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Need to write a paper?

Make a pot of tea.

Consume entire pot while rereading text, constructing a thesis, creating an outline, and organizing your thoughts.

Stare at blank word document.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

American Idiot Part Deux

So, American Idiot.

Yeah, my grandfather didn't like it.  I can tell you're all shocked.  Mom actually liked it a lot more than she thought she would.  My cousins of course thought it was great and my aunt and uncle both seemed to enjoy it.  My mom thinks that my grandmother "got it"but it's pretty clear that my grandfather was unhappy.  A few elderly theatre patrons walked out during the opening number, much to the delight of the cast who followed them from one end of the stage to the other, and my grandfather announced that if he were alone he would walk out too.

Overall it was pretty good.  I thought the staging was what really held everything together.  It really is more of a punk rock opera than a musical, going from one song into the next almost immediately.  The only negative thing I can really say is that almost half the songs just don't work for an ensemble.  If you can get over the semi-awkwardness of some of the arrangements you'll be ok.  I liked it.

On another note, I don't consider myself to be a huge Green Day fan.  I don't own any of their albums or know any of their songs that weren't on the radio.  Even so, this was the music I grew up with and is, in many ways, the voice of my generation.  I was amazed at the effect the show had on me--taking me right back to the angst, the disaffection, and the sense of being lost that my friends and I went through as teenagers.

It's ok if my grandparents didn't "get it".  I did.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

One nation controlled by the media

Today I go to see American Idiot, the musical written by who my grandmother adorably calls "The Green Band".  That's Greenday for those of you who are equally in the dark.  My grandparents are theatre patrons so they often have extra tickets.  When I got the call I went to youtube and gave my mom a brief preview of what to expect.

My grandparents, however, have noooooooooo idea what they're in for.

This should be fun.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Because Satire!

So this guy I know made this video with some guy he knows and you guys should watch it because satire!

I have nothing else to add except gee eyeeeee Jooooooooooooooooe!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Finally finished reading As I Lay Dying.

What the fuck?

If I ever attempt to write a creative work in the stream of consciousness style that's longer than, say...twenty pages or so, somebody slap me.  Or get me whatever drugs Faulkner was on.

God damn.  Whatever you do, don't try to make sense of this thing at two in the morning.  Unless you're with a bunch of other English majors and you're all three sheets to the wind.  This is the sort of literature that just demands the company of alcohol.  Maybe I'll come up with a drinking game.  Every time Darl says something psychic, take a shot.  Every time Jewel swears, take a shot.  Every time Anse acts like a total dickhead, take a shot.

...nevermind.  I'd get alcohol poisoning before I even reached the halfway point.

Edit 3/21/12: My dad came up with the most brilliant analogy for As I Lay Dying (or any stream of consciousness work for that matter): "It's like yodeling in a cave--you are still in the dark with a great deal of constant feedback you just don't give a shit about".  

Monday, March 19, 2012

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Better than coffee

You know it's going to be a great day when you wake up at get a call from the sherif's office saying there's been an unconfirmed report of a gun on campus.

They sent out an all clear fifteen minutes later.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Dear Inspiration, Why?

Dear Inspiration,

Why must you strike at 2 a.m.?  It's not that I'm ungrateful, but a more reasonable time, say, two in the afternoon would be much appreciated.

I guess that's all.  See you same time next paper :P


Sunday, March 11, 2012

    Maybe I Shoudl Change The Font Size Again

I actually have more than twelve hours...and some idea of what I'm doing.  Doesn't mean I'm not still behind.  I really don't want to bust out the Kahluah again...

Friday, March 2, 2012

That moment when're reading Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and suddenly realize that Gawain is Ace Rimmer.

Ace Rimmer...what a guy.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Snippet of conversation of the evening.

Me:  I'm staring at a paper waiting for it to write itself.

Skeeve:  Sometimes they do!

Skeeve:  But you have to have a lot of coffee or booze or sugar first.

Skeeve:  Sometimes drugs.

Me:  <.<

Excuse me while I go pour myself a glass of kahluah.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I am a horrible person part II

You know how a passage in a novel, when taken out of context, can look incredibly wrong and terribly disturbing?


You'd be surprised how often that happens in classic literature.  I usually shrug it off as the product of my own twisted imagination.  But this time....this time I  swear it wasn't all me.  Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce Out of Context Thursdays*, where I quote a piece of classic literature for your intellectual perusal and general amusement without giving any indication of the larger context.  It's more fun that way.

This week's installment comes from the Narrative of the Life and Escape of William Wells Brown, included in the novel Clotel or, The President's Daughter by William Wells Brown.

"Well I thought I had better show it to him.  'Now,' said he, 'let me touch my tongue against it.'  I thought then that I had better give him a taste, but I would not trust him so far as I trusted John; so I called him to me, and got his head under my arm, and took him by the chin, and told him to hold out his tongue; and as he did so, I drew the barley sugar over very lightly.  He said, 'That's very nice; just draw it over again.  I could stand here and let you draw it across my tongue all day.' "   (Brown 22-23)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find an adult...

*New content not guaranteed every Thursday.