Monday, June 21, 2010

Gotta love the '50s

Skeeve sent me this just now and since I haven't posted anything for today, you all get to stare at it with me. I never know whether to laugh or throw up when I read these sort of things. Here's a link to the original photo Skeeve sent me. I've taken the liberty of transcribing it below. My thoughts are in italics surrounded by parentheses.

The good wife's guide
Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May 1955

  • Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him (and his life-threatening peanut allergy) and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home (Because they're too stupid to eat unless their wife tells them to) and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking (If you don't look perfect all the time then he'll know your entire marriage is a lie!). He has just been with a lot of work-weary people
  • Be a little gay (Ask him if Gary in advertising is still being obsessing over Judy Garland) and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. (That's why Suzanne majored in fire-eating!)
  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. (You don't want the house to look lived in)
  • Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
  • Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. (Because you're not smart enough to pursue your own personal fulfillment)
  • Prepare the children. (They've been training for this moment for months!) Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them palying the art. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
  • Be happy to see him. (Even though the sight of him makes you seethe with resentment and bitterness)
  • Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. (Those drama lessons sure were helpful)
  • Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first--remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. (In fact, never have a thought or opinion of your own. It's just bad manners)
  • Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. (Take solace in your collection of poems by Anne Sexton) Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
  • Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
  • Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
  • Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. (Once he tells you about the Davison portfolio falling through, the hookers will seem totally justified)
  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. (Preferably spiked with arsenic)
  • Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. (So he won't suspect it when you kill him)
  • Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. (Who are we kidding? You don't have any rights.)
  • A good wife always knows her place. (And it sure as hell isn't here)
I think we need a little something to lighten the mood after that.

Ahhhhh, there we go. All better :D


Anonymous said...

Well, my grandfather actually *wouldn't* eat if my grandmother didn't make him dinner. Trufax. It wasn't obstinacy, he was just... not good at that kind of stuff.

ksaldria said...

Fair enough. Skeeve tells me Jerome will actually forget to eat unless she tells him to, so maybe there's some truth in that.