Thursday, April 15, 2010

I'm a bad person

Hey everyone.

Sorry I still haven't gotten the rest of the San Francisco trip posted. I've been busy catching up on reading assignments, observing 7th grade history students, and finishing up my presentations for History 305.

Oh, and writing stupid stuff like this. Apologies in advance to the state of South Carolina, President Andrew Jackson, Martin VanBuren, and every U.S. History teacher I have ever had.

Andrew Jackson and The Nullification Crisis

An History in Three Acts

Act 1

[scene: The United States of America, 1828]

South Carolina: Why I do declare, that Andrew Jackson is a cur and a scoundrel! He tramples across states rights without so much as a fiddle-dee-dee! Why, before we know it, federal law will usurp all the rights of the state and our proud legacy of a plantation economy powered by an enslaved labor force will be no more. I will never submit to this show of federal authority. I will not stand for this tariff of abominations. As God as my witness, I will never pay tariffs again!

Act 2

[scene: Washington D.C., 1829]

Martin VanBuren: Mr. President, I’m afraid we’ve just received news that South Carolina is refusing to pay the tariff on foreign imports.

Andrew Jackson: What?! Who does that bitch think she’s playin’?

Martin VanBuren: I’m sure I wouldn’t know, sir. In any case, South Carolina has insisted she has the right to nullify any federal law and is threatening secession unless we agree to recognize state’s rights.

Andrew Jackson: Fuck that shit. That shit’s treason.

Martin VanBuren: Indeed, sir.

Andrew Jackson: I’m gonna open up a can a’ whoop ass on this bitch.

Martin VanBuren: Indeed, sir. A show of force would be quite apt to the occasion.

Act 3

[scene: South Carolina, 1833]

Andrew Jackson: Bitch! Where’s my money! [Jackson pimp slaps South Carolina]

South Carolina: Eeek!

Andrew Jackson: You think you can just leave me? Bitch, I own your ass!

South Carolina: I dispute you, sir! This land was forged by the states and it shall forever be governed by the states!

Andrew Jackson: Bitch, ain’t you read the Constitution? You belong to the Union.

South Carolina: You, sir, are no gentleman!

Andrew Jackson: And you aren’t your own damn country!

South Carolina: Well I refuse to pay this abominable tariff. It’s an infringement on our state rights!

Andrew Jackson: Alright, alright. Look, there’s gotta be some way to work this shit out.

South Carolina: I’m listening.

Andrew Jackson: Alright, check this out. You agree not to secede and we’ll let you pay a slightly lower tariff over a number of years until it reaches 20%. How’s that?

South Carolina: I suppose I could agree to something of that nature.

Andrew Jackson: Good. I’m glad we finally got this settled. I’m sure this whole secession thing with never come back to bite the country in the ass in the next 30 years.


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